7 Types of Indian Voters - A Post-Poll Analysis

So the greatest show on earth is over. The timing of this post is to make sure that you don't herald the ongoing Indian Premier League or the IPL as the greatest show on earth, even by mistake! And no, I'm not referring to the wedding reception of the octogenarian Congress leader ND Tiwari either.

This year was, in no doubt, the most 'fun' and 'crazy' election India ever had. There were ample amount of drama this year with crazy gambles (we had a brand new party in AAP), a nerve-wracking climax (the 49 days of ruling Delhi) and some titular characters - a seasoned villain, a working class hero, a sidekick with presumably no allegiances and lots of comic relief. Made for Bollywood, requiring no further script-writing whatsoever. Mr. Prakash Jha, you listening? Oh sorry, the socio-political filmmaker turned JDU candidate from the West Champaran Lok Sabha constituency of Bihar must be feeling a whole lot down having lost his chances this election.

But it is only the people of India who promote this spectacle to the grand scale. The electorate - you, me and the adolescent young minds of India who only want to put up a selfie (rather 'velfie' as they've begun calling it now) sooner than the other neighbourhood kids.

Here are the 7 types of Indian voters, found typically among the youth of the country:

A. The ones who are clueless on all aspects of voting.

These are the kind of people who terrorize young kids by hijacking their place in the parks and lake-sides as nightfall approaches. They're usually found in couples, with zero accountability of what the guy's right hand (unless you're a lefty) is grabbing at or into, in the dark. These people find themselves holding hands in silence when they meet and chatting the night away on mobile phones when they're away from each other. They usually have no clue as to how a government is formed and what it is that the government do. The nearest thing to politics that they might worry about is the day of February 14th, when someone from the political parties resort to abrupt moral policing and cleansing in his area.

B. The ones who just don't care.

You may find these people saying, 'Engineer hain boss, time par nahi gaye toh boss dhoyega.. Aaj closed-door office chalu hai!' (some factories and offices tend to be covertly working behind closed doors even on Election Day - illegal, but nothing you can do about it) or saying how '..this country has gone to the dogs, man!' or perhaps letting you know that he's westward-bound by suddenly talking in an acquired accent one day 'Vegas, bitches!' (I'm sorry, I actually know someone like that). Yes, you will definitely know someone who falls into one of these categories.

C. The ones who vote for the first time (or for the thrill of it)!

These are the people whose voting day begins with a Tweet and a Facebook update and ends with the 'inked-finger' selfie that finds it's way into Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook timeline. They tend not to care for the candidate or the party they've voted for, but consider it a loss if the selfie settles for anything less than 200+ likes! This is a particularly new entry this year.

D. The ones who 'know' their stuff.. or so it would seem.

That friend who kept quiet through the entire 10 minutes of politics that you brought in to discussion among your lot? Well, these kind of people gulp in what you said, memorize it and speak of it in some other intellectual group - but in the exact same words. The ones who support a particular political party based on their ideology, also fall into this group. Unfortunately for them in Indian Politics, ideology based politics is perhaps only 5% important in the party's marketing policy and outreach to their respective vote banks. A lot of youth who pursue academics as a career tend to fall into this category.

E. The ones who are plain annoying.

They will vote for any party that offers some kind of excitement. 'Free cycle!' 'Free laptops!' 'Free gas cylinders!' - these war-cries are answered by such people, without understanding that in order to ride the bikes, they'll perhaps need better roads first. In order to use the laptop, they'll need regular electricity. And in order to use the gas cylinders, they'll need the price of a lot of things in the market to come down. These are the people who are instantly attracted towards fads. And the fad for this year was 'anti-corruption'. Some parties ended up stoking their single-point agenda of just that and vanished soon after the party is over. Or did they?

F. The ones who form their opinions based on what they say on the tv.

While we have always been taught that the media should report a news, itself being as unbiased and objective as possible. But the free media of this country obviously have changed the rules of the game, owing much to theatrics, competition and TRPs. Certain news-readers today, consider it their duty not to plainly report the news, but to form an opinion on it and shove it down the throat of the people who are watching their show. And of course there are people who justify their theatrics and go on to digest their opinions wholly. Challenge them on anything they support and hear them protest, '..because Arnab Goswami says so!'

G. The ones who are responsible for electing the finest government.. provided they're allowed to vote!

Such people know whom to vote. They're responsible and aware. They find the news channels amusing and aberrant, but they still keep an eye on them nonetheless. They form their own opinions, and are very open-minded. They are fantastic people to debate with on politics. But most of the time, they are also the people whose names do not find themselves in the electorate list and thus are denied the basic right to vote! Yes, this is India - the land of one or two billion people - missing your name is apparently an accepted standard of mistake.

No election tickets for guessing which category I belonged to, this year.